__Communication and Conflict Resolution__

Introduction

Parent Participation

Non-Violent Communication

Using I Messages

Reflective Listening

Allowing Feelings

Resolving Conflict

Bullying Policy

Family Meetings to Resolve Conflicts

Exclusion Policy

 

Introduction

At the Family School it is important that all are free to learn in an environment that is inclusive, supportive and democratic. We aim to create an environment where everyone feels valued and all needs are taken seriously. With that in mind, we believe that good communication and conflict resolution skills are integral to the learning process. Our goal is for all children in our school, as well as the adults working with them, to develop excellent communication skills and become highly proficient at resolving conflicts in a supportive, empathetic, non-judgmental way.

 

In order for learning to take place, a person must first achieve a state of "emotional equilibrium". This means that there is little internal turmoil or conflict pulling energy away form the learner. We have all experienced the distraction that conflict and discord causes: it is impossible to think and learn when you are distracted by arguments and conflict, past or present. It is important, therefore, that we each have a way of coping with discord and conflict when it happens, that we are able to clearly express our needs, feelings and ideas, comfortably resolve disputes and then move on to important things like play, creativity and learning.

 

At the Family School we are creating a model for effective communication that we feel can be valuable in all environments, not just at school. We want to share these effective skills with parents, other family members, and eventually with the larger community, and our hope is that these skills will be seen as a successful way of developing positive interaction, harmony and help all of us to become better at communicating.

 

We see this as a model for communication which clearly shows children a means to becoming independent, social, confident people unafraid of conflict or confrontation. We believe that learning to communicate clearly and resolve conflict in a healthy manner will aid all of us to become adept at reasoning, become good listeners and speakers who are adept at negotiating and problem solving, and who are e able to approach all people with true empathy.

 

Parent Participants

We are pleased to have parents join us during the day to participate in children's play, read, sing or lead an activity and we feel that is important that all adults help resolve conflicts and problems in a similar way while at the school. We also know that these skills may be as helpful at home as they are at school. when families join the school, one of the requirements for parents is to attend a seminar on communication and conflict resolution where the following ideas and techniques will be discussed and practiced.

 

Non-Violent Communication

Non-violent communication involves language which does not impose one's viewpoint but rather, expresses one's viewpoint and invites open dialogue.

Communication that invites dialogue should include:

 

• Active, reflective listening by all persons involved
• Clarification of what is heard by each person ("It sounds to me as if...")
• Identification of the underlying feelings, if possible ("I think that might make me feel sad if it were said to me, so I am wondering if you feel sad?:)
• Expressions of needs, how can those needs be met?

 

Using “I messages”

If two people are having a disagreement, it is useful to always speak in the first person ("I feel...," "I think...", "I am...") rather than the second person ("you are...") Using the second person when discussing a problem can sound blaming.

 

__I messages inform children of the negative effects their behavior may be having on others.__

 

I messages help children to develop empathy. Empathy is an important ingredient in learning to be self-assertive, self-controlled and self-motivated. Understanding how an individual impacts the world around him or her is necessary for a healthy self concept.

Using I messages will feel uncomfortable and a bit contrived at first, but once you get comfortable with “I messages” and see the results you will see how important they can be.

 

Here's the format:

I feel _____

When ________

Because ______

What I want is ______

 

 

1. Good example:

I feel angry

When I'm not listened to

Because what I have to say is important

What I want is to be heard

 

Bad example:

I feel angry

When you don't listen to me

Because you need to hear that what I have to say is important

What I want is for you to listen to me

 

 

More good examples:

2. “When you won’t put your shoes on when it is time to go home, I feel worried because I think we will probably miss the bus and have to wait a long time for the next one and I want to get home and have time to read with you before dinner.”

 

3. “When you cry and scream because there is no more juice, I feel sad because I can’t enjoy our conversation at lunch when there is so much noise and I really like talking with everyone while we are eating.”

 

Warning: "I feel like you aren't listening...", or "I feel that you are taking too long..." are likely not 'real' feeling sentences, but disguised judgments.

 

 

Baumrind (1971) found that nursery school children ages 3 ½ to 4 ½ who rated high in self-control and self-discipline had parents who refrained from punitive messages or punishments and instead made extensive use of reasoning and I messages. I messages tell the children the negative effects of their behavior on others. According to this study, this form of communication helps children to internalize the consequences of their behavior and develop conscience or inner self-control.

 

 

Reflective Listening

 

In a nutshell.....

It is important to clarify what the other person is saying to you and the best way to do this is to use reflective listening:

 

“What I am hearing you say is …..”

“It sounds like you are saying….”

“How did that feel to you?”

 

Restate what you are hearing in your own words. This is important for the following reasons:

 

• Most importantly, you will know if you are hearing correctly.
• You will reassure the child that you are listening empathetically and this will allow him or her to feel comfortable telling you more.
• By using your own words, you are helping the child to develop a wider vocabulary

The Technique of Reflection

 

In reflection, the listener does his or her best to clarify and restate what the other person is saying. This can have a threefold advantage:

 

(1) it can increase the listener's understanding of the other person

 

(2) it can help the child to clarify his or her thoughts; and

 

(3) it can reassure the child that someone is willing to attend to his or her point of view and wants to help.

 

Some principles of reflective listening:

 

More listening than talking

Less is more...don't feel that you have to fix it, you really don't and most of the time you really shouldn't.

 

Respond to what is personal rather than to what is impersonal, distant, or abstract.

Child: "I feel sad because I lost my toy."

Response: RIGHT: "You really feel sad about losing that toy."

 

Restating and clarifying means restating what the other has said especially about how she or he feels. The purpose is not to ask questions or state what the LISTENER (the adult) feels, believes, or wants.

RIGHT: "You are really sad right now."

WRONG: "Don't be sad, you hardly ever play with it anyway." "Your not that sad. Let's go play at the park."

 

Try to understand the feelings contained in what the child is saying, not just the facts or ideas. It is the feeling that is important, the facts can be sorted out later. and SURPRISE... once the feelings have been validated, often the problem sorts itself out!

 

Points to Remember:

 

• Work to develop the best possible sense of the child's frame of reference while avoiding the temptation to respond from the listener's frame of reference.
• Respond with acceptance and empathy.

 

Example:

Child: crying:"I lost my toy."

 

• A possible adult response "I think that you are feeling very sad."
• B possible wrong response: "I wouldn't worry too much, I am sure it will turn up, it's here somewhere."

 

Response A is great! It is simple, it is a restatement of what has been expressed.

 

Response B on the other hand...not so good.. This is YOUR experience of the lost toy...(We ALL do this) but it is not the child's experience (nor would it be your experience if you lost your keys or mobile!!).

 

Empathy Defined:

The listener’s desire and effort to understand from the other’s internal frame of reference rather than from some external point of view, such as a theory; a set of standards, or the listener's preferences. The empathic listener tries to understand the other's thoughts and feelings. (Walk in another’s shoes)

 

 

Resolving Conflicts/Problem Solving

Most often if reflective listening is used, if the people involved in the disagreement feel heard, the conflict can be avoided and the children resume their activities and there is no need to actually engage in formal conflict resolution. But when the problem is not simply resolved by active listening and empathy, it becomes important to help children resolve the conflict in a more formal matter. An impartial third person (sometimes more than one) becomes involved.

• Everyone involved clarifies what the problem is for them. The conflict is defined in terms of experience and needs "What happened for you?" “What is it that you need right now?”

• Possible solutions are presented with the children making most of the suggestions

• Negotiation and discussion takes place and the solution that is agreed upon is then acted upon.

• The third person will check in later to see how the solution is working

 

here is a simple way to help children resolve conflicts:

 

Ask both of the following questions of each child in turn:

1. What happened for you?

 

2. How do you feel about that?

 

then ask __

How can we resolve this?

 

It is important that each child expresses his or her version of what happened ( It doesn't matter what actually happened at this point). It is equally important that each child expresses how she or he feels. This will take time at first, but it will become a more rapid process with practice.

 

The role of the adult is to act as a facilitator. Use reflective listening and I messages to reflect back what is said/heard and clarify with a few questions.

Finally ask for ideas and solutions.

the children should do most of the talking.

Writing down the children's ideas for resolving the conflict is one of the roles of the impartial mediator.

 

Of course all of these ideas can, and should, be incorporated into all of our communications. It works equally well with adults.

 

Family School Policy on Bullying
 and Serious Behavioral Issues

At The Family School, because we are so committed to communication and conflict resolution, and because we approach any conflict in a non-judgmental way, we are less likely than other schools to encounter problems with bullying or other serious behavior issues. Children have many forums for addressing problems as they arise. A problem can be brought up in Morning Meeting and be discussed by the group; issues that come up during the day are handled when they first arise. All feelings are accepted and all children are given equal support and respect. Negotiations will continue until all parties involved are comfortable with the outcome. If it seems that a conflict is not being resolved, if the same issue keeps recurring or a child seems to be having the same difficulty and the issue does not seem to be changing, then the school will request a series of family meetings with the families of those involved. The goal will be to understand and resolve the conflict. If a series of family meetings does not result in a shift, if the same conflict keeps recurring, than an outside mediator, appointed by the school will be called in to assist in resolving the issue. The mediator and representatives from the school will meet together with the parents and the student or students involved to come up with plan. If the level of conflict is affecting the other students and adults in such a way that learning becomes seriously impacted, then the family may be asked to withdraw from the school on the grounds that the needs of the particular student are not being met.

 

 

 

Some suggested readings:

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.

 

Parent Effectiveness Training by Thoman Gordon

 

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